Posted by: ginalazenby | January 28, 2013

How to use a heart break…

Screen Shot 2013-01-28 at 6.13.22 PMI am doing my best to keep up a good exercise programme whilst travelling. You know how I love my yoga: my body really enjoys the stretches. This weekend I have had the opportunity to stretch a muscle that does not necessarily get intense exercise so frequently …. my heart.

Nursing a heartbreak is not something one would do by choice but I did rather walk in to this one voluntarily with my eyes open.  I had an opportunity to explore a possibility with someone ….. to fly back to Sydney and find out whether the sparks that emerged on the eve of my departure could actually be fanned into a flame or a big fire. It’s a long way to go for ….. who knows what.  Before my mind could step in and say how irrational, inconvenient, crazy and expensive this might be, my heart just leapt forward and said YES. That was a pattern break in itself for me. Instead of saying “It’ll all end in tears so don’t do it” I reasoned that I’d rather have a week of connection, fun, passion and adventure followed by a mini heartbreak than not venturing forth and keeping my heart tucked safely out of harm’s way.

And so it was. A truly wonderful week that completely absorbed my whole being. If I wasn’t there enjoying the actual moment with the beautiful man, I was remembering it in every detail or thrilled by the anticipation of the next encounter. He really got to me. There was simply nothing else to think about.  And then of course, this all too fragile connection of two people from very different worlds living at opposite ends of the planet came across a boulder in the path and tripped up. So the end came very suddenly. I was immediately confronted with having to deal with the pain of loss. I am not one of the world’s leaders in the art and practice of letting go but if you truly care deeply for someone, you have to let them go.  As soon as those wings start to flap you have to honour the bird’s need to have its freedom and fly away. And when it does, oh what a hole is left behind. When you rearrange your diary and your life to embrace someone else you also make space inside your own being for them. That’s what love does …… it opens you up and gets to you deep inside. Then when it goes away, it leaves a big hole. The technical term is indeed a heartbreak. And it is physically painful.

So the yoga class on Sunday morning was helpful. Every time the teacher urged us to stretch further and really open our chests, little did she know how I was using that to heal my pain as quickly as I could. I remembered years ago getting a massage within 2 hours of experiencing a car accident and having the whiplash taken out of my body by the expert masseur instead of it hanging around for months/years causing problems. We humans do have a tendency to hold on to things for a long time. And so I became very present to the healing power of consciously facing and experiencing the pain and sadness instead of letting them hang around and become part of my story and a burden inside my body.

I have been working with it, asking myself good questions, allowing the experience to feed me and not cause me to close down so that I never get hurt again.  I am also focussing on being grateful for what I had in a week rather than thinking about what I might have had in the future and lost out on. The gratitude muscle is also an excellent one to exercise as it keeps us positive and holds open the channels for even better to come to us in the future.

Why am I sharing this with you? You know I always pass on useful insights because someone out there is usually facing something similar and if I can speed up your healing process with a few words about my own then I am happy to do so.

It is so much easier to protect our hearts and keep ourselves closed but we miss out on so much growth by shying away from possible pain. I just watched the movie the Life of Pi (fabulous) and right at the end Pi talks about how life really is only a series of Letting Gos … we just need to attend to the quality of our goodbyes along the way.  Oh my goodness, so true.

As part of my letting go process I have been asking myself some questions this weekend to help me move forward ..

1 Why did we meet?  There’s usually a reason.
Who knows what this deep connection was really about but I think I showed up in his life to help him heal his past heartbreak from his divorce. When you date men in later life they are invariably divorced, many of them reeling from the break up of a 20+ year marriage and so few of them have been exposed to supportive resources to help them move on. It is painful to witness the suffering that they still carry with them.  I know I made a contribution there. He was a wonderful alpha male with a strong ego and heart, and huge courage. He was also craving the connection with his intuitive self and exploring other ways of being ……. I might have been helpful in connecting him with his feminine inner world of spirit and wisdom. I hope so. He opened me up more to how men see the world and to understanding more deeply the masculine perspective, so useful in my enquiry to balancing masculine and feminine energies. I am sure many other treasures will be revealed to me over time.

2 What can I take away from this that feeds me? What’s the hidden gift?
Even if it is does not look like it will last forever we can still embark on something “for now”. Learning how to BE with another, to practise being in relationship is a golden opportunity which I think helps us work on our edges so that we are in that much better shape for the next person we meet. We have a far greater chance of success in finding and keeping a relationship when we are more aware of how we show up. For my part, I got to understand how to be connected and still self-contained and not project my needs on to another (like I used to!).

3 What can I now fill this hole with?  How can I make good use of this?
Yep, when you make space for another in your heart it sure leaves a big gap when they rip away. And that is tangible empty space! We know how nature abhors a vacuum so we have an opportunity to fill it consciously with something of choice. Instead of wallowing in what might have been I am doing my best to focus on self love and appreciation and getting better distinctions on who/what I would now like to attract in to that space.  Love is so much more powerful that pain.

So, in short, that old phrase of it being “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” still holds true even if it means repeatedly putting yourself out there and getting knocked back.  I believe the heart gets stronger the more often it gets fully used … and with a strong heart I can do and be so much more.

Thanks M….. I hope your heart mends quickly too.

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Responses

  1. Thanks for sharing Gina. I had a similar experience last year after putting out an intention for a partner. Thanks to all the inner work, I could move quite quickly to an appreciation for the experience rather than wishing it had been otherwise. So often the universe sends us someone to prepare us for our soulmate if we’re not yet ready. Now I’m just looking forward to the next one, whether that’s to smooth off my edges (which can be such fun!) or whether it’s for the long-term. Much love and here’s to keeping our hearts open! xxxx

    • LOL Nikki, I agree and like the idea of having fun “smoothing off the edges” !
      You are such an open-hearted woman with what you share with the world and what you offer people … I wish you a fabulous journey in finding a soul mate 🙂 xx

  2. You loved and gained so much .No loss ********
    Great courage to share -thank-you xxx

  3. Hi Gina, I cried reading your article. Thank you for your openness and ability to articulate on a heart level the process of choosing to go into the unknown places of past heartbreaks and enjoying every single moment of the connection you had with this very very lucky man.

    God bless you xxx


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