Posted by: ginalazenby | February 13, 2013

A few dating tips for Valentine’s Day – give the guys a break!

dating card smaller

My ‘dance card’ from the singles event – a great way to get the guys and gals mingling and talking. It worked well – I only had 2 empty spaces:  not only am I still looking for some guy going commando, but I am trying to find one who knows what it means. You Aussies!!

I went to a Singles Party last week in Sydney hosted by the online RSVP dating site. Nearly a couple of hundred very nice people showed up for the over-40s event with the balance of men to women probably around 3 to 1. Yep, it seems that either there aren’t many single men …. or …. they’re just not coming out to play. I think, by the law of averages, the latter must be the case.

And if some of the conversations I had that evening with my fellow female adventurers are anything to go by, I can see why.

It appears, women can be very scary…. I mean, really intimidating. Girls don’t roll your eyes … listen to me for a minute.   One attendee recounted how a man had flirted with her with a terrible opening line and she said to herself “no way” and wrote him off in those first few seconds because, to her, he sounded so cheesy. He failed the first in a series of tests or traps that we are apparently setting in order to find the perfect partner. Poor guy! I ventured to suggest that maybe he was nervous and it might be an idea to give him a break and just respond positively and even take the lead from him in the conversation. We often have better verbal skills so why not help the guy along …

I am only offering this because consistently I hear from single women (the world over!) how they just don’t meet ‘decent’ single men and how the online dating scene is apparently a “nightmare”. May I just remind all my conscious readers that you get what you put out there …… yes, you get what you expect, simple as that.

For myself I often meet very interesting men, partly because I decide in advance that I am going to. That was not always the case ….. I used to feel invisible and uninteresting then I had a BIG SHIFT.  Now I have developed a completely different way of relating to the world and it has certainly helped on the dating front. If you want some of my tips I am happy to share a few but first a couple of stories…..

HOW you listen affects everything
On our Women’s Transformation programme in Bali we started out the week with an exercise in Listening. We demonstrated using muscle testing how you can significantly affect another person’s energy while talking to them by what you are thinking. If you think loving, accepting thoughts then the other remains strong under a muscle test …. when you hold negative thoughts about them, and reject them in your mind, a muscle test shows their energy weakens. When you think in your head: “This guy is an idiot” while he approaches/talks to you, then you will make him one for sure. Your critical thoughts will disempower him.  Switch your energy and thoughts to compassion, open-heartedness and kindness and you will likely have a very different conversation.

A lesson learned about first impressions
Once I was out with a girlfriend and our mutual friend had a first date with a man she had met on the internet. We arrived at the bar with her and as we walked in (separate to her) we saw a guy waiting, wearing a baggy T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops or thongs as they call them in Australia, where we were located at the time. My friend and I quickly exchanged glances, grimaced and both said “I hope it is not him”. When we found out that IT WAS …. we both made a cut-throat gesture to signal that he was a non-starter. He had failed our dress code. It didn’t matter that it was hot weather, we had expectations of what a man should wear on a first date to impress …..

Later on, after she told us with hand signals that the date was going really well, we had an opportunity to meet the man. When we got chatting we discovered what a nice guy he was …….. !  I decided there and then in that moment to tell those upstairs that I had learned a BIG lesson. I promised never again to judge in the way I had done. Since then I have dropped any pre-conceptions about what a potential date should look like. I have no list, no expectations, just a positive attitude that I will meet very interesting men and I do. Gone are my minimum requirements about height, looks, professions … I have even corresponded with, and subsequently dated, men who split infinitives in their copy-writing. Yes, I have boldly gone!   That was a real stretch but I kept my promise. Not all men put themselves across well on paper but in person they can be great company.

So girls, my invitation, if you are single and would like some male company now and again ….. try the following to see if it expands your circle ..

1 Learn to listen: Born with the gift of the gab as they say, and with drama queen tendencies to share ego-centric amusing stories, I did not used to be a natural listener. Over the last 15 years I have trained myself to listen. It has been a revelation. It absolutely changed my relationship with everyone. I am easily able to relax and listen well and show my genuine interest in another. I remain completely present when they are speaking and I am not rehearsing in my own head what I will say next (like I used to). I don’t interrupt and if I do by mistake I stop and let them go ahead.

2 Be patient:  Many men don’t ‘chat’ much, not as much as we women do. What I have noticed in a first encounter or first date is that some men can really talk … I mean, hind-leg-off-a-donkey talk!  And they can forget to ask me any questions …. the encounter is all about them. I get the whole life story or all the details of what they own or where they have been. The old me might have tried to compete and say “I’ve got one of those too … I’ve been there as well”  but I don’t. I see it as their being nervous and a desire to show off. It’s what I call the ‘peacock moment’ and they are only trying to impress and please me. I simply admire the feathers being shown to me with a gracious smile. I let them do their thing because they never do it again. You can forget it if you want them to chat like that in the future!

3 Listen with compassion: as I said the positive, empowering thoughts that you will have do affect the other person. Be generous and kind. I breath through my heart and expand its energy so I radiate love around me, and I smile.  It’s not a Wallace-and-Gromit false smile, but if I do find that the conversation is really not one that I wish to continue, I will politely remove myself.

4 Ask good questions: try to get the conversation away from the mundane .. weather, where you live, how you arrived …… take the discussion down a notch away from the mind and nearer to the heart. I am always racking my brains for good questions that stretch … here are some examples:  “if you weren’t doing what you do to make a living and could do anything instead, would you do something different and what would it be?” or “tell me something about the things you are most passionate about or …….  places that you have been that really touched your soul….”  Something like that. I often get back “Ooh that’s a good question!” and they really go inside and think about themselves.  It gives both of us a better connection.

5 I’m playful and relaxed … because I have got nothing to lose. I remain unattached to any outcome. If it’s meant to be …. it’s meant to be.  They either like me or they don’t. And if they don’t, it’s not about me. I have no idea what space they are in, what hurt they are nursing, what misguided expectations or otherwise are in their minds.  I put a positive spin on the whole thing and just say to myself … “That’s another chapter in the book”. Seriously folks, I do not intend to write a book but often, in my head, it helps me to move on if I pretend I am !!!!

Girls, I’d be interested in your dating tips .. remember this is just one woman’s perspective. Generally, it works for me as I go out and about in the world ….. the woman-at-large 🙂  I do end up meeting very interesting men. I might not want to date them all or be interested in a relationship, but I have delightful encounters and make many new friends (mostly ……)

And guys …… what tips or requests have you got to help us women engage with you better?

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Responses

  1. Good stuff. Yes guess us girls need to give th guy a chance and start the pattern of them giving us a chance when we crumble the cheese cracker down our front with our first bite between conversation. LOL maybe a tip. Do not go for the crackers when engaging in conversation with a nice man 😉


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