The Conscious Cafe gathering in Skipton in February discussing gender relations .. a very interesting and spirited evening!


Just before Valentine’s Day, a group gathered for a Conscious Cafe evening in Skipton to take on what could be described as one of the biggest and most powerful conversations there is … and one which is not aired in public very often ….  sex, relationships and the workplace.

So much has been happening in the media recently with the #MeToo and #TimesUp campaigns and the sordid revelations about harassment.  While there is universal condemnation of bullies like Harvey Weinstein, other names and memories are being highlighted in the media and it is not always clear if every situation warrants the trial in the court of public opinion. Some men have come under attack because of the supportive comments they have made, while well-intentioned, may have been worded better. The fear of saying the wrong thing will make many men withdraw and yet, the conversation that needs to be had about how we move forward has to involve and engage both sexes. We all need to feel that we can speak and be listened to.

So, with curiosity, I proposed an evening to discuss “Chivalry & Flirtation in the Age of Equality – Where do we go next?”  I was delighted when one third of our gathering were men who felt they had something to contribute to this conversation. Bravo!  And what a great evening it was. I started off with a review of what was happening now in the media then we broke into five small discussion groups. Here is a summary of the reporting back from the conversations.  It would be true to say that a whole weekend of debate would hardly have scratched the surface but our evening was a start to what can be a painful and challenging subject as we begin to explore a better way for men and women to work and play together. There might be legislation in place for sexual and gender equality but out there in the workplace, the attitudes to the role of women, the contribution of the feminine and sex and relationships needs a big update…. one in which we all need a say and a big listening for each other.

The Media storm – does the media ever tell the whole story?   Is the print media the biggest influencer in this issue?   Are things going too far…. Is the media doing a good job or is it being too sensational?  Public exposure of individuals about sexual harassment is causing a trial by media and in the court of public opinion. How do we manage this when behaviour can be somewhere on a spectrum of misguided transgressions all the way to abusive or violent behaviour, some of which is criminal?

  • There was a feeling of frustration at the portrayal of issues in such a black and white way. Things are always much more nuanced.
  • It would be good to look at languaging things differently.It can be hard for men not to feel defensive when they read sensationalised stories and hear criticism about men … seemingly “all men”.
  • The media can trivialise and objectify and the way so many people are put on trial is pernicious. Lives are being ruined without the full truth shared. Yes there is a witch hunt happening, compassion is also needed.
  • The media is a good barometer of the confusion in society and the media is mostly not helping.
  • We need to find ways to have good open debate without the aggressive questioning that we can see on TV. We must not be frightened to find ways to talk about sensitive issues to find our way through them.  Th media is not really taking the lead here.

Are we going too far?  It seems that actions and approaches from men to women who are now in their 60s and 70s were once tolerated as part of the work culture … French actresses Catherine Deneuve and Brigitte Bardot have both quoted as saying “today’s feminists are going too far” and being hypocritical … using their wiles to attract men in power then complaining about harassment later.  Catherine Deneuve has since apologised.

  • It is the system that is making people who they are, acting the way they are doing.  Even in an egalitarian family, young people are exposed to so many other influences in our culture that is shaping them. The system at large is undermining what families are teaching children.
  • There is an epidemic of chauvinism, it is rampant. What happened to the ‘new men’ who emerged in the 90s? No, feminists have not gone too far… there is much further to go.
  • 100 years ago women got the vote …. but there is still a lot to fight for. We are only at the beginning. There is much to do to achieve an equal paradigm. It is only really now that we are initiating open conversations about social justice and equality.
  • Patriarchal domination has been around a long long time and we have only just begun to make the changes and shifts needed. With the majority of women reporting that they have been sexually harassed at some point in their lives, one in four women have apparently been raped … and across the world, only 3% of land is controlled by women … there is much to change to achieve real equality.

Who knows what is acceptable behaviour today? Who decides? Is common sense enough? Are we clear what harassment is? Can we all agree?  The idea of vilifying all men and condemning everyone where there has been a hint of an issue is counter-productive. Is there a line to be drawn somewhere?  After the Weinstein revelations and the #MeToo hashtag campaign, women are now treated with greater respect … what does that look like?  People are now more aware of appropriate ways to treat colleagues. Is this true and what does this look like? 

  • There was a feeling that it is impossible to make rules about behaviour, there are just too many variables.
  • It is important to have self awareness so that each person knows what is not appropriate. Always pay attention to what feels appropriate with others in any given moment.
  • We should be able to voice how we feel and to feel confident to say “No thank you … I don’t want a hug”. Sometimes we are in positions when we are not able to voice how we feel when we are uncomfortable.
  • We must look at what we teach young kids about appropriate behaviour.
  • Language is key: using the word feminist can create a wedge between some people with everyone having a different feeling about the term, positive and negative.  It can set up antipathy. We don’t like labels!! Can’t we just be sexless … be people?!
  • Let’s focus on how we treat each other, regardless of being a male or a female… just be ourselves .. respect each other.
  • We can’t just focus on the symptoms, we have to deal with the cause.  We can start with laws, these come first then after the culture catches up.  Laws can provide a statement for what is acceptable behaviour.
  • Here is a news clipping about Google and Facebook’s recent ruling about employees asking each other out (once only and without a clear YES, never again).

The Next generation of men: teaching our teenage sons about what is appropriate behaviour, especially in the workplace. For young men growing up today, where is the bifurcation point/s that might send them in one of two directions? …… to be a highly self aware millennial who would “never do that” or to exhibit laddish behaviour and feel that in today’s highly sexualised culture they push and try to get away with anything they can. At these points of possibility, what are the interventions?  

  • All participants agreed that fathers can give good role modelling. This is so important for boys.
  • It is indeed a reality and a great shame that boys get their sex education from the internet. Laws about what is available online and who can watch it are struggling to catch up.
  • Apart from better sex education, better relationships education is important. If schools cannot deliver this then maybe an outside agency is brought in to teach this. Some schools are getting to grips with this. It varies.
  • The internet is providing so many ways for dysfunctional behaviour like revenge porn. Previous generations did not have to cope with these new outlets for laddish behaviour. No wonder young people are confused. Art is hard to be young and foolish and fully understand the long-lasting repercussions of what is posted online.
  • The internet provides a whole new landscape for dating… flirtation is now very much in cyberspace. Face to face you can tell how someone is behaving and if they are trustworthy. Today it is much more difficult.
  • Young girls are finding themselves pressured sexually at younger ages. It seems it is becoming harder to say “No!”
  • In this modern internet era young people are being given a space to express their sexuality and experiment  .. that is seemingly positive … but some guidance for boundaries are needed.
  • Education is key for young boys. If you demonise their natural sexuality then it will find a way to come out but in a shadow side.
  • The digital age radically changes parenting and it can be hard for parents to keep up, especially older ones who feel out of their depth, or who don’t know that they are out of their depth.

Young women today are appalled at what older women put up with in the past. Are they being hyper sensitive when advised to brush things off and ‘get over it’  when faced with similar situations?    Are today’s female millennials empowered and confident enough to stand up for themselves?    Do we need to protect today’s young women in the workplace?   What advice to give a daughter in the professional arena in an age of mass pornography?

  • Young women are certainly more aware of harassment issues that might be happening around them today .. so much more is being talked about openly.
  • So many of today’s young women are empowered … by their mothers, fathers and so much more consciousness about gender equality. They are more aware of what is possible.
  • Yes in some cases there is a generation gap. “How could those women have allowed that behaviour?” … but many have compassion and realise things are a bit more complicated. Times were different back then.
  • Young millennial girls have had strong female role models growing up, perhaps more obviously so than previous generations. The Spice Girls had great impact because they were so radically different to other girl groups. More feisty, self-directed, less compliant.
  • There are predators out there and young women need to learn skills and be able to protect themselves.
  • The idea of protecting young women in the workplace is not perhaps so palatable … Protect? perhaps we should give guidelines. Maybe discussions about what to wear to look professional, and to be aware of what vibe they are giving out.
  • Better to change the workplace so that women don’t need to think about being protected.
  • Some feel that equality is an illusion and that we are not even close. We need a big attitude shift so that we can see each other as equals, as humans.
  • We have created difficulties with the ready availability of online porn. It used to be that companies could block for company computers but now people can watch it on their phones at work estimated at between 10-20%
  • by Nichi Hodgson is the author of The Curious History of Dating: From Jane Austen to Tinder and a sex and relationships broadcaster
  • The ready availability of porn is harmful to men too. It is packaged in such a way as to hijack the addiction part of the brain and exploits men’s vulnerability doing damage.

If you want to join a conversation with Conscious Cafe in Skipton our next events are below and find us on Facebook.

March 20th Tuesday – Values in the Workplace

April 18th Wednesday

May 17th Thursday

June 18th Monday


Posted by: ginalazenby | February 19, 2018

The immense creativity of women

Freshly arrived in San Francisco, although not feeling very fresh, I pulled myself out of my jet lag to join a Women’s Creative Circle who meet once a month in a home on the hills of San Anselmo.

After a delicious lunch provided by our host and supplemented by what participants each brought, ten of us sat in a circle with a few minutes each to share what was happening in our lives in terms of a creative project or where our creative energy was being expressed.

Oh what joy and nourishment. I learnt something from every woman who shared and it was so inspiring to have an age difference of almost 50 years between youngest and oldest.

Projects discussed included sculpture, weaving, painting, book-writing, book reading, learning new ideas, jewellery, home remodelling, soft toys, travel .. managing financial affairs .. you name it, we are creative in so many ways.

Such was the rich and diverse life experience in the room that I felt any one of the women could have been called to join a company or organisation Board and given her wisdom and insights. And yet this is not how Boards are structured is it? They have very narrow channels of required job function experience that narrow down who can sit on them …. and they are missing so many women. Maybe it is time to bring in a few creative women elders…..?

What inspired me most:

  • How nourishing it is to talk about creativity beyond just art but to include work and finance as well… and also to sit in a sharing circle of women.
  • So many projects that we take on do not have End Dates but when they do, they can give immense satisfaction when there is completion. If something needs to be finished put a closing date on it.
  • Sometimes a project needs to be open-ended because its completion or journey is not something that we can determine while we are working on it. This is particularly the case when maybe an art project might in some way reflect and mirror our own growth.
  • When is something complete and ready to give away, sell or let go of? You will have a knowing if you go within and ask. This self enquiry needs to be balanced with any perfectionist tendency we might have which holds us back from being complete. Learning to be comfortable with imperfection is key … the Japanese principle of wabi-sabi where imperfection adds to beauty and becomes part of the story of something is important.
  • Our art and creativity grows as we grow. By looking at what we are working on in a mindful way we can see our own progress.
  • Creative projects can be used to handle anything that we have to face in life .. if we are creative .. even grief and loss.
  • When we are asked to reflect on the creative output in our lives we can find that we have been highly resourceful in areas and take an opportunity to acknowledge ourselves for the achievement.  Don’t forget to pat yourself of the back once in a while!!
Posted by: ginalazenby | February 8, 2018

Get your house ready for new year

January 1st is the first  day of the calendar but the new energy for the year does not come in until February 4th (the Feng Shui new year) and February 16th, the date for Chinese New Year in 2018

  1. Decrease the clutter: it’s a big ask to do a major clutter clear in January when you are probably feeling a bit limp but discard what you can, even if it is symbolic! Even if the place just looks tidy it helps for the new energy to roll into your life and home over uncluttered surfaces.
  2. Get the rubbish out:  make sure your bins are all emptied and anything that needs to be recycled or moved on is actually off the property.
  3. Let in the light: The weather might be a tad cold outside so if you are hardy enough your windows will love a wash. Rain and snow can leave the glass a bit dirty and you want as much pure light as possible to get in. Keep the corners of the rooms well lit with side lamps, replace broken light bulbs, bring out the candles and  switch on the white fairy lights.
  4. IMG_9032

    Fresh flowers do wonders for bringing uplifting energy in

    Lift the energy with colour: the Christmas decorations have all been packed away and you might be thinking that by comparison with the December festive sparkle, it all seems a bit grey. Bring back the red could with cushions. Keep the red poinsettias alive. Coloured plants and flowers all help lift the level of vibrancy.

  5.  Freshen your bed: Wash the bed linen so the bed feels new and you can always put on a different set of bedding. It’s amazing how a freshly made bed can give you a boost.
  6. Stock up the pantry: a full fridge and a larder with the storage jars topped up is a signal to the universe that you are a house of abundance. Top up the log basket by the fire. It’s all a sign of you being ready and prepared.
  7.  Rest & reflect: As the new energy year comes in take some time to rest and reflect. Maybe you can ask your self what is your word for the year… tune in and think about your theme.
  8. Twinkle: lift the dull energy with items that please and catch the eye. So the Christmas baubles have gone, you can still create uplift with glitzy ornaments.

When I tuned in to my word of the year I got “mise-en-place” and that followed the Angel card of Efficiency which I chose for 2018 (or more correctly it chose me!).  It’s not a single word but it is a french phrase for being ready .. everything in its place. It’s something already in my vocabulary as it was drilled in to me at Hotel School. You don’t start cooking until you have all your ingredients ready, all measured out in little bowls so everything is to hand. A very good motto for life and obviously even more important for me this year.   What’s your word of the year?

Posted by: ginalazenby | February 7, 2018

Making a Fresh Start …

Making a Fresh Start .. this was the timely subject of our new year meeting for Conscious Cafe Skipton.

It is a really lovely and loving community that now gathers monthly. One lady read about us and felt moved to drive all the way from Poulton le Fylde (north Lancashire!) to join us.

The questions we asked: What will it take to end the coming year in a different place emotionally, physically, mentally? What gets in the way of even taking that first step for a new start? And when there is no choice but to begin again … who can help us move forward, how do we find within ourselves the courage to do something different or even take action at all? How do we make space for something new in a life that can already feel full? What is there to let go of?

What will it take to create a new you in the new year?

Here are nine insights that we shared after our discussion about how we were moving forward into the new year of 2018.

  1. As we change we need new people around us. Growing always needs support and we can find ourselves in need of a new community or tribe of friends to help us through .. looking for like-minded who share our curiosity for life and change is important to us.
  2. Be kind to ourselves – we must remind ourselves to do this, to be patient and loving as we go through highs and lows. Think of ourselves and our needs while we handle all that is thrown at us
  3. Delegate. In becoming more … we grow and take on more. More tasks, more responsibilities so there is a need here for us to remember to give some things away. Time to look at what we do and let go of what we are not particularly good at.
  4. What about Joy?! we might as well enjoy this process so we can choose to let go of anything that we don’t like. Life is too short not to have delight be with us every day. Why not think about what gives you most joy and focus on that?
  5. Reclaiming hobbies and passions.  Perhaps there is something we love doing but don’t have time for. It’s time to MAKE time to incorporate those things into our lives again and the only way to do that is to make them a PRIORITY.  let’s stop being so one-dimensional and embrace the many aspects of our true selfs that lift our spirits.
  6. Relax. Why does change have to be so hard?  It will flow better if we stop resisting. Trust the process. Sometimes it is best to let the heart lead instead of the head.
  7. Let go of separation. Maybe a dividing line between work and social life no longer serves us. Perhaps the colleagues from work can be our friends beyond the workplace. We know them well, maybe letting them in to our lives is what we need.
  8. Boundaries. set these to support us daily energy. When is time time to stop work? With access to social media 24/7 and this now being a business tool as well, decide when your browsing is for business or social.
  9. When we share with others we realise that we are not alone. Many others are treading the same path of change… we are not crazy .. somebody else is also going through the same. And we also resale how much we already know and how right everything actually is.


Posted by: ginalazenby | December 9, 2017

Exploring Happiness .. in the happiest town

With Skipton having recently been identified as the “happiest town” in which to live in the UK … the description used by the media for the results of the National Wellbeing Index … discussing what makes us happy was the obvious choice for the November gathering of the Skipton Conscious Cafe community.

We opened our evening with a discussion of what made each of us happy personally. In the open sharing it was interesting to see how access to nature topped most people’s lists. Having easy access to the countryside and enjoying great views from our home windows seemed to be a priority and of course, in great abundance in Skipton with its location as the gateway to the Yorkshire Dales and National Park. Here is a summary of the answers shared by the group, giving a flavour of what makes people happy .. in this Skipton community.

  1. Walking in the countryside
  2. Walking in sunshine
  3. Walking the dogs
  4. Enjoying the bright colours of autumn
  5. Family and Grandchildren
  6. Taking on a new role/job
  7. Doing the work we love
  8. Good sleep
  9. Starting a new relationship
  10. Appreciating our partner
  11. Waking up to a new day

We also dipped into what can make us unhappy and that included:

  1. Coping with illness in the family
  2. Anxiety over changes at work
  3. Grappling with modern technology and its intrusiveness
  4. Just handling change, often experienced at the same time as enjoying something new
  5. Watching too much news
  6. Social media like Facebook creating a social anxiety when we fall into then trap of comparing our lives to other’s seemingly happier and more eventful ones presented online. The illusion of having less than others.

In the reporting back from the small group discussions, this is how we responded to these questions.

What creates a happy town and living environment?

What’s to love about our town of Skipton?

  • Quick and easy access to nature and open spaces including woodland, canal pathways and hill walks. You don’t even need a car to escape from the built environment to enjoy open spaces
  • Skipton seems to be a town that is very accepting of newcomers – all are welcome and find communities to join.
  • Buzzy, bustling, there is always something going on and plenty to join in.
  • The town is busy but there is less traffic here than more populated places. It helps to have a well-planned by-pass road system which has created an island of green.
  • Feel safe here.
  • Skipton’s famous market in the High Street is highly valued .. 4 days a week and draws in many visitors as well. Transactions here with market traders give a feeling of greater connection than with standard high street retailers.
  • The town is very good at celebrating Christmas .. the Santa Fun Run, special Christmas Fair market weekends, great street decorative lighting.
  • A great deal of heritage and history in the town including the Castle, one of the oldest in England.
  • Beautiful architect around the town …. it’s a pleasure to look up and see what has been built here over the years.
  • Friendly cafes offering a great welcome and caring service
  • Having said all this, Skipton, like many other places still needs more affordable housing, more well-paid jobs and more renewable energy.

What can other communities learn to become happier places?

  • pay attention to good town centre design
  • Create events, particularly ones embedded in the local history
  • Leverage local history and heritage of a place
  • Look to the past for ideas
  • Make sure all amenities are not hidden and are accessible and can be enjoyed, like Skipton’s canal running through the centre of town

Group Discussion about what makes us happy .. some of the highlights.

  1. Language has an impact:   not everyone responds well the the word “happy”. The media use the word happy but it is a peak experience word that does not fully describe feeling content. Contentment is a word that has more resonance. Or feeling comfortable …. comfort is part of happiness.
  2. What makes us happy changes over time:   our criteria for happiness shifts over time. We notice that as we grow older and understand our priorities more deeply then that helps us to navigate choices better.
  3. Comparing ourselves to others .. do we really have problem?  No and Yes.  Many of the things that trouble us are what are now known as “first world problems” .. these are not really problems at all when compared to those suffering real crises, like refugees seeking basic shelter and safety. Nevertheless, they trouble us and cause us grief.
  4. Simplicity is craved:    Making choices can be mentally taxing. Not everyone fully understands that. Just when you think you have made the right decision you are given another choice.  We find this maddening and exhausting.
  5. Certainty decreases with age:    Somehow when we were younger we were so much more certain, about life ..  we felt we knew so much about so many things. Then we age …. and things are less certain, less black and white and we become much more flexible. That ability to adapt can make us happier.
  6. A new relationship:     Meeting someone new. There is an aliveness in holding hope for something special to develop with a new connection. Something very sweet, tender and life-affirming. It is especially good to find a possible relationship that does not have any drama.
  7. Seeking authentic encounters:    We love being able to be honest about how we feel. Tell the truth when someone asks us how we feel … are they really interested in an honest answer? we hope so.
  8. Complaining versus constructive criticism:   Yes people have views that differ from our own and we appreciate feedback. Honest discussion deepens connection but being critical and being negative are two different things. Being negative and complaining is unpleasant and we avoid those encounters but connecting with other people who differ from us and challenge us helps us grow.
  9. Social media can be very UNsocial:     When people cherrypick the nicest things in their lives to share then it can look like we are the only ones suffering or handling problems. Is grass always greener on the other side?  We can find our insecurities are triggered by the falseness of only seeing he best bits of someone’s life paraded on Facebook. Wev want the richness of all experiences not just the best. And sometimes people can be too darn positive …. charing uplifting messages every day. Sometimes we take great benefit from these, sometimes they are just annoying. We have to learn to keep filtering.
Posted by: ginalazenby | November 4, 2017

The secret of creating miracles is group intention

fullsizeoutput_2b98This week I had a wonderful reminder of the power I have….You have… and more particularly we together ….. to create miracles. I have been a long time admirer of the work of Lynne McTaggart. Her books The Field, Intention Experiment, The Bond are world-changing and significant bodies of research that I have throughly enjoyed. Her latest publication is called The Power of Eight. Speaking at her Foyle’s bookstore launch, Lynne shared her reluctance to believe in miracles and her original  quest as an investigative reporter was almost to debunk and expose quack science. Even her incredible journey through quantum physics, with some of the world’s leading scientists, did not wholeheartedly convince her that miracles happen. It was only when her global work over the last decade with the Intention Experiment forced her to confront the fact that participant after participant at her workshops kept feeding back the miracles they were experiencing.  In fact the research into group intention that results in this book, laid bare the life-altering transformation stories that hundreds of people shared with her.

I am excited to delve further into the detailed how-to of miracle creation using the power of eight. I am now searching for my other seven adventurers to complete my magical circle so we can start trying out her well-researched, documented and proven methods. “100% positive results” was what her groups told her. Power of Eight book.

Posted by: ginalazenby | October 30, 2017

Constant change is the new normal – and we keep adapting

Our community gathering in September talking about career change and shifting identity

The subject for our second gathering of the Conscious Cafe community in Skipton was career change and the life transitions and shift in identity that come with it. Whereas we might have reasonably expected to be in the same career, or industry, for the duration of our working lifetime … now change seems to be the norm.

As well as all these career and work changes, life has its own natural transition points as our personal responsibilities evolve, and even our biology changes. Getting married or divorced; becoming a parent with a young family then years later, presiding over an empty nest; adapting to diminishing health, feeling the need to take it easier in later life … there’s a long list for why people reassess their lives and initiate change.

Even the smallest change can make us adjust our sense of self while more dramatic upheavals can completely ask us to shift our identity. Moving into a newer version of ourselves can be uplifting and exciting but not necessarily without its growing pains.Our community discussed how we might navigate a new future and increase our resilience and ability to living with what seems to be a life of great change as the new norm.

We opened our evening with a circle of sharing with people introducing themselves in the context of where they were in their own life changes and shifts of identity. In summary,

  • Career change speed: some people transition over a period of time, scaling down their professional work as they learn something new, while others take the leap and simply go for it. To sum up, it can mean keeping one foot in the old camp and have the other in the new life as well ….  in order to survive, it means swimming in two different life streams at the same time.
  • Some transitions seem to be quite dramatic:  with stories shared about changing from being a financial controller and moving on to being a yoga teacher, from marketing consultant to feng shui teacher.
  • Menopause: this is a natural milestone in a woman’s life which previously not many people have spoken publicly about. It can be a massive interrupter to a woman’s normal way of being and provide the impetus for a totally new look on life.
  • Taking on new challenges: as exciting and rewarding as these are and as experienced and mature as we can be, these shifts can still make us nervous and fill us with anxiety. Human nature has a need for both certainty and for variety that comes from taking on challenges! As much as we need to have certainty to feel comfortable and anxiety-free, there’s also a paradoxical need within us to want to bring on the new challenges, whether it’s seeking fresh opportunities, different clients or moving country.
  • Children & family: birthing and child-rearing is a massive interruption for some women. It’s not only about becoming a mother but also adapting to a new part-time work role in order to create a flexible life, or perhaps taking on a different job. All this can cause massive shifts of identity for women and potential loss of status in the professional arena.
  • Some changes defied description: Changing the job, moving from one town to another are clear and very specific. For others it might simply be a sense that something inside them is changing and they do not have a particular vocabulary to describe it. A new sense of self seems to be coming into being… And a feeling of newness “something pulling … can sense it but can’t quite touch it”.
  • Transition can be ongoing: Some people never feel as though they have landed or reached their true identity, the search continues and transition becomes a normal way of being… “Constantly becoming”.
  • Ill-health can be a major catalyst for identity change: shattering and devastating, significant changes in our physical and mental health present significant challenges. At the end of the health journey they can emerge as someone completely new as their lives are rebuilt. Looking back from this new persona and place, the choice may be to embrace that health challenge as a necessary gateway to a new life phase.
  • Bereavement: when we lose someone we love, human or animal, it can cause us to dramatically reassess our priorities and no longer tolerate being stuck in boring or unsatisfying jobs. We start asking different questions and to examine our values.
  • Most changes in careers come from within: our own voice starts to say this is not right, this is not me, and questions about who am I? emerge. Rather than the simple loss of identity through job loss, most job shifts were initiated by a stirring from within. Who we think we are becoming no longer resonates with the role we are playing or job we are doing. An inner voice calls us to ask new questions.

As usual, we shared deeply in the safe circle of conversation. Through that dialogue we realised we are not alone. What might seem like a confusing crisis that we alone are suffering, is actually being experienced by many other people and their articulation of it can make us feel more validated. We realise we are not lost and floundering but simply becoming something else. There is a sense that we are willing participants in the current culture of massive change.

Gone are the days where the main focus of an education was to prepare people for a life as a square peg in a square hole. This was perfectly suited to the industrial age. The formation of YOU as part of an industrial system. That era has long gone. We watched a short video called “Did you know?” highlighting the swift pace of change and learnt how we are now preparing young people for jobs that don’t exist to solve problems we don’t yet know that we have.

Now many feel that being a square peg is not quite right and we are shape-shifting into various other styles of peg. While we are doing that, the peg hole itself, once comfortable  and reliably square is itself now changing. So much no longer fits. As our own lives and desires and sensibilities change, at the same time the world around us is shifting beyond recognition in a very fast pace. How do we keep up?

The community broke into small discussion groups talking about their own experience of life shifts and strategies used. We returned to our big circle to share insights.

  • The need to belong, wanting to be accepted: We are aware that the labels we give ourselves are not who we are. When we are with different people from different social groups we can find a need to present ourselves in different ways. This can perhaps apply more for women, for example, after being a professional career woman and becoming a mother and having a period of full-time parenting, there can be a loss of identity in simply saying “I am a stay at home mum”. Some reported receiving a blank response in business situations to this statement and that can make a woman feel ‘less than’ as if she also has to say … “but I’m also a trained lawyer not just a mum!” (We touched on this subject in our discussion in June on caring economics, where we noted how society does not value the incredible role of motherhood).
  • Authentic self: We have many roles and different things that we do which make up who we are, and who we are inside. When you get to the point when you are comfortable in your own skin people will just get who you are, never mind having to explain what you do. They will see past the roles. In the words of the Navi on the Avatar film “I see you”.
  • We might need to think about working on how we project our true selves.
  • Being in the now:  We can learn to do this. Sometimes we can be too concerned about where we have come from, and where we’re going, looking back-and-forth can distract us from our present choices and feeling in the now. Being present. That’s the key.
  • Not fitting in can be uncomfortable:  that make it hard to present to others our authentic self, particularly while we’re in the middle of change …. in the process of becoming.
  • Not just one role – we are multi-faceted: As women we feel we can have many different roles perhaps more so than men. We want to share our authentic selves but it can be difficult to find a language to describe all that we do, all that we are. We can struggle to find a way to bring them all together and explain who we are. Perhaps we need to think in advance to create some phrases that describe us so we are ready to offer this to others when we move out of social situations to business situations.
  • Asking a different question:  The question “What do you do?” immediately put the other person on the spot having to identify themselves through their job role. If we ask them “What are you most passionate about?” … “What exciting things are happening for you this year?” … creative questions open people up to a new conversation about themselves, and about us.
  • Watch the critical self-talk: Don’t fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others or society’s expectations for who we should be. Silence the inner critic.
  • It is so easy for women not to give themselves credit: Women have a tendency to underplay their talents. They often feel they have to sacrifice. Must see our own value because if we don’t, how will others? That’s a personal growth journey.
  • Understanding others helps us to understand ourselves and what we’re going through. Sitting in circles with others, being in community and having the opportunity to listen and learn from others helps us challenge our own views and assumptions.
  • Just take the first step to overcome fear. Once you can get started on the change process it is much easier.
  • Lack of change can make us restless: it is easy to get bored. Some don’t want to have life too steady for too long, they feel the need to throw it all up in the air and create change, actively seeking challenges and more diversity in their life to feel more alive.
  • Older and wiser? Perhaps with a we might find other ways to move forward by creating less external change and focusing more on finding ways to create the change internally. Self reflection, meditation, time out, mindfulness … all help to get us in tune with our inner self and true desires.
  • Letting go is a process:  Letting go helps us move on and manage change. Shedding aspects of ourselves and clearing out clutter is all part of the change process. Lisa’s friend watched Gina Lazenby’s clutter clearing video for inspiration on this and has taken on clutter clearing big time! Marie Kondo’s book suggest great questions like “Does this give me joy? Does it make my heart sing?”. This all helps to let go, and letting go helps us to move on, unencumbered.
  • Bereavement is pivotal: Sudden loss can cause us to re-evaluate and look at our priorities.  We might feel the need to ask ourselves different and bigger questions.

The next event for the Conscious Cafe Community in Skipton is Wednesday November 8th …. “What does it take to be happy?”

Our Three Questions for Discussion:

1 How do you describe yourself? As one single identity or as a number of roles?  And in what priority order do you list these roles?

2 What were the pivotal moments or occurrences that acted as the catalysts which caused the greatest changes in your life? A single moment or a series of events? What events might be happening for you now?

3 What are, or have been, your personal strategies for managing the change process as your life shifted so that you maintained your resilience?

Posted by: ginalazenby | September 18, 2017

Conscious Cafe community starts in Skipton


The ConsciousCafe Skipton community at our first event in  June

I really enjoy attending ConsciousCafe events in London, often held in founder Judy Piatkus’ lovely north London home. Of course it’s just not possible to attend the full programme of events as I no longer live in London. And I’m sure I’m not the only who loves the Conscious Cafe experience of meaningful conversation and heartfelt connection. There are an increasing number of us who want to bring a taste of it to our home towns around the UK. It’s selfish really ….. We don’t now have to travel to London to get our uplifting fix!

And so it was in June this year that ConsciousCafe Skipton was born. Another selfish reason behind me starting it was to find and connect with a tribe of local people who are interested in what I am passionate about … like-minded souls who enjoy thoughtful conversations about how we want to live life, what our values are and what we can do to help create a better world for everyone.

The first meeting of the new ConsciousCafe community in Skipton was held in June 19th at our adopted home of Hettie’s Cafe at the top of the High Street. We opened the evening with a circle where everyone shared who they were and what had inspire them to attend.

Why we all came together for ConsciousCafe here is a summary expressed by the group:

  • Find and enjoy a support network of folks with similar views or values
  • Curious to learn and open to new ideas
  • Connect with interesting people
  • Be part of a community, especially for those who have moved to the area recently
  • Find a supportive learning community and be able to open up in a way that is not possible when only mixing with clients or children
  • Interested in the subject presented that evening


As this first event  was called “Can we afford to care about people and be kind?”, Gina Lazenby opened up the evening with a short slide presentation about Caring Economics, based on the book by lawyer and activist Dr Riane Eisler. Riane has been listed as one of twenty of the world’s great peacemakers (along with Luther King and Ghandi) and her book ‘Caring Economics: The Real Wealth of Nations’ has been an inspiration to Gina and her work in writing about healthy living and also feminine values and leadership. Gina said Riane’s work brought together her two passions of caring for well-being through our homes and the contribution to society by women. Gina says, “The key premise of Riane’s work is that society measures and values the wrong things. It is time for us to put Caring and Care-giving into the spotlight as it underpins everything else in society.”

Riane points out that GDP measures everything except  the contribution made by community work and volunteering; stewardship of nature and the natural world; and the daily work of home-making and bringing up children. Without these free, unpaid, undocumented and undervalued activities the world would simply cease functioning. There is such a warped bias in our economic system that GDP actually increases when bad things happen … clearing up after an oil tanker disaster might decimate wildlife which has no economic value on a country’s balance sheet but it creates extra wealth through clean-up costs and legal action. We are simply measuring the wrong things. Anything that is not counted and measured is then not valued.

One of the key premises of Caring Economics is understanding how societies are shaped in one of two ways … either as Hierarchies with each level of an ascending pyramid held in place by fear and control. In this system, patriarchy rules and there is always one gender, ethnicity, nation, sexuality that has priority over another. In this worldview, any contribution provided by a lower value gender … women …  is seen as being of less value. That means the caring and care-giving work, undertaken by both men and women, which is seen as being feminine, has a lower economic value and less impact. At the other end of a continuum, collaboration thrives under the Partnership way where power is used to empower and support each other and not to hold people back by having power over someone else. Riane says that organisations, countries and societies are all, in some way, moving along the continuum towards partnership and away from hierarchical control. The whole planet is a work in progress on this score!

So, from this, with the understanding that caring and care-giving are not seen by society as having economic value, we can understand why jobs in this field attract such low pay and low prestige.  Our ConsciousCafe community broke out into discussion groups and covered questions around humanity’s self-interest, what younger people are looking for, what’s in the process of changing, who is responsible for change, rewarding kindness in business life, the degree to which people work hard, educating children to think differently ….. in fact a list of questions we could have spent a weekend debating. We created much food for thought!

The subject of the evening ‘caring and valuing care-giving’ attracted quite a few people to attend who actually work in the health and caring industries. We heard about the needs of patients & clients becoming ever greater and more complex in an ageing population. Although it was difficult to find resolutions and come up with answers, many people felt comforted just by being able to share their experience of the caring system and hearing each other’s stories meant that they felt validated. There was a consensus that important conversations needed to be had. By sharing different perspectives and opinions we all wake up and recognise that change will happen through a process and not by one single decision or action.

Summary:  Even though the subject is overwhelmingly complex and there was no greater clarity we did feel we had a greater understanding about the future and there was still a sense of hope that things will change, either because we are heading for breakdown and out of that total chaos, radical change will have to emerge … or because, the younger millennial generations prioritise much more compassionate values and so demonstrate that they could be behind the much-needed shift that their older superiors are not able to grasp.   This is a summary of some of the points that emerged in a topic that we all agreed was endless and stimulating when the community reconvened for a group sharing.

  1. Change starts with us. To create the much-needed change in the world, we have to change ourselves in order to get the changes we want to see.
  2. Self care is critical, putting ourselves last in service of our community, family or employment leads to burn-out and breakdown and ultimately serves nobody.
  3. The power of leading by example. It might not look like we are making a big impact but everything we do counts and the most important thing we can each do is walk our talk and be conscious of the example we are setting. Change our behaviour, others take note.
  4. A crisis in social care. Many attendees, men and women, were from the caring professions, at the sharp end of today’s underfunded and crumbling care system. Short term thinking is causing great harm and the system is beyond is fixing requiring systemic change.
  5. Old Worldviews in charge. As the world changes, new thinking is needed and it was noted how many people in senior positions in the caring industry are older. Not all older people keep up to date and are flexible in their thinking. They lack the answers in this new connected world, one where younger people are much more fluent and comfortable with technology. As much as age carries wisdom which is important, we have to recognise that millennial have a different approach, different aspirations and new ways of thinking. Perhaps they have more answers.
  6. Millennials’ values are different. The young age group from teens to those in their 20s are open, expressive, compassionate, collaborative … everything the system changes need are ways of being that are more natural to them. They are having an impact.  We have great faith in the younger generation.
  7. Caring – the jobs people don’t want. So much has changed in caring that even though it is a people business, numbers are prioritised. Less time to spend with each client / patient can be distressing for both parties when an encounter is reduced to just a few minutes. Stress levels increase and the desire to be service to the world and care about people is severely diminished when the important work done has so little value and recognition. Many carers end up broken down and burned out. Collateral damage. People leave jobs/industry. Fewer applications to join.
  8. Size brings anonymity. Globalisation and larger corporations can make interactions more faceless, less personal whereas interacting with smaller companies there is a greater chance they will be linked to smaller communities and be more accountable. The more we can create community, the more we can be self-regulating. Everybody knows you. You can more clearly see the impact of, and the outcome, of what you do ..good and bad.
  9. Kindness pays off. always.
  10. New solutions needed. Problems today in our healthcare and social services are so complex and seemingly unsolvable that we have to be prepared to think of the impossible!
  11. Large companies have influence and resources. Should be encouraged to care and to give more and support community. Can more of their profits be re-invested
  12. People should use their voices. Do we complain enough? give feedback.. point out what is wrong and unfair?
  13. Do my best. So much to be done and what can I do in my little corner? I can do my best.

Some individual feedback about the first ConsciousCafe evening in Skipton:

“Great night, I really enjoyed myself.”

“The conversation flowed quickly and even though we did not know each other, it felt easy.”

“I have been suffering from career fatigue but I am feeling invigorated by tonight’s sharing and insights.”

“Really nice to have the opportunity to step back, get away from the detail and get a sense of the big picture.”

“I have been feeling angry but I recognise this can be good if I use it. I want to keep the fight going!”

“These conversations have confirmed that my life changes are putting me on the right path. I am inspired.”

“I feel really nourished by tonight.”

“A great place to have an honest conversation.”


Next event: Monday 25th September. BOOK NOW.

Find out more about the ConsciousCafe movement in the UK.

Posted by: ginalazenby | March 7, 2017

A new era begins…. news from the women in San Francisco

women gathering san fran feb 2017 (1).jpg

One of my joyful experiences when I visited San Francisco last month was to host a women’s gathering. These evening circles connecting women business leaders and entrepreneurs from all walks of life, in a private home over shared food, are nourishing at every level.

I have been hosting a Circle in San Francisco at least once a year since 2009 with many of the same women showing up and always new faces finding their way into the community. Over the years I have noticed our discussions change and build, reflecting our own growth and expansion along our paths. Our conversations cover all aspects of life and even when we are exploring questions about how we are making a difference, re-inventing ourselves, developing our leadership, we still get to share what hurts, grieves and pains us as well as what brings us joy and makes us proud. Anything that need to be said gets spoken into the circle of trust which is created and everything seems to resonate with all of us in some way.  Our willingness to gather as individuals and let down walls brings us together as a strong community that continues to provide an uplifting presence in our lives long after we have met.

This particular year I was keen to test the temperature for how everyone was feeling after the American election and the surprise result … which led to the Women’s March in Washington DC the day after the Inauguration. Several of our community attended and I was curious to know more about what it was like to be there. How did this March affect the women’s movement .. did they have a sense that this might be the beginning of something new?

I framed a long question for each woman to answer so she could introduce herself to all who did not know her and update those who didn’t giving us a sense of what was changing and brewing in her life.  “Who are you showing up as in the world.. how might that be changing? Were you involved in a march? And in what way are you becoming an activist or supporter of a Women’s Movement?

Here is a summary of the some of the insights from the sharing – without giving away the privacy of individual responses …

The March was more a Celebration than a Protest

Fuelled and led by feminine oxytocin rather then masculine testosterone, the March in Washington was a joyful and loving experience rather than the angry protest demonstration that it could have been. Almost 600,000 people were estimated to have turned out in the capital while 5 million marched in other cities all over the world .. the biggest women’s event ever!  Multi-generations took part ….. children and babies carried as whole families attended. Very much a female march but with many men showing their support. Women spoke of how their grandsons … who would NEVER be in a political march willingly joined their partners.

So many women I spoke to who attended had never been in a march or demonstration before and really felt that they were part of making history. They could not NOT go ….

Seeing new ways to serve … finding official positions in the community

This is a time when we have to muster our courage and do things that we have never done before and running for public positions is one way of taking a stand or being part of creating a shift. The question on many women’s lips is often … “What … me!?”  And the answer is a thumping “Why not?!”   We can’t complain that everything is run by the old white guys if we never think to put our names forward to be selected for committees and councils that might give us a voice. Even when we have no chance of winning, the fact that we tried, that we exposed ourselves .. that we came forward to stake a claim … that is so important and it inspires other women to do the same.

Bringing Spirituality to the workplace

At last we feel we can be authentic. Of course showing up as our whole, real selves and bringing our spiritual nature to work may be easier if we own the company (rather than working inside someone else’s culture) but it still takes a lot of courage. We are very familiar with the old ways of pushing things through and getting them done … but now, having been through personal shifts and awakenings we can’t leave the new ways we have learned out of our daily work practice. That means setting aside cold hard logic and making decisions based on what our intuitive inner voice is calling out to us. We are learning to be guided and owning that we are following an inner compass. Some spoke of working with the concept of magic in their personal lives and then setting a new expectation for it to show up in all of their busies encounters.

Juggling roles is the eternal lot of womanhood

Men seem to simply get on with work while we womenfolk take care of everything else and juggle many roles. And as we let go of more hands-on mothering when our children get older we find we can transition into new roles … what will we do with this new space in our lives? It seems this is a rich opportunity for us to expand our senses of selves into a cause that we have not been able to take on before

more insights in part two next week ……/    to be continued ….

Posted by: ginalazenby | February 17, 2017

Women’s wisdom at our San Francisco Women’s Gathering


Another wonderful women’s gathering. I have lost count of the women circles I have hosted over the last decade (in London, Yorkshire, Bali, San Francisco, Marin County, Mount Shasta, LA, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne …. Perth) but one thing is for sure, however enriching and nourishing they are, they just seem to get better.

Every circle introduces me to a new group of women and reconnects me with old friends who return in order to be in the precious space that we always co-create. And as the years go by, the wheel turns, I see both a recurrence of themes and patterns, re-expressed and amplified and also new insights and trends emerging. Each circle not only becomes a microcosm for a wider community of women in a place or city with its own special flavour for that moment in time or geography…… it also speaks to our universality and connectedness. When one woman speaks her truth and expresses her joys, frustrations, needs and passions, she also speaks for so many more women.

So let me share some of the insights from this last women’s gathering in San Francisco.

1 Retirement…… What retirement?
In the past, industrial ways of thinking and working have so culturally programmed women to think of our 60s as the time to retire. Of course many women do retire from paid work, some might take on more grandmother duties and traditional volunteering work (where would most countries be without that?!) it is fair to say that very few are idle.

An increasing number of older women have taken the words “slowing down” and “retirement” right out of their vocabulary. You can imagine how exciting it is to hear from women in their 70s talking about rebranding themselves and launching new business ventures, ventures that capitalise on their vast skill range, long careers and multifaceted lives. Like cheese and wine, we just get better with age!

2 Re-entering the corporate arena  …. as a new enhanced version
If there is one sure thing I can tell when I host these circles of women entrepreneurs, it is that they are full of corporate refugees. And as the system continues to spit out women, the age at which that is happening is much younger. It used to be that the 40s was the decade for women to succumb to burn-out and respond to the call to break free. Now sadly, many women in their 30s and late 20s are looking for the escape hatch seeking a means whereby they can earn a livelihood and live their values …at the same time.

As part of their their exploration of a new life after corporate, many women have shared how they have sought solace in the healing arts, researching and training in a variety of healing modalities. Some will take this on as a new profession (considerably less well-paid in the corporate role) as they feel it is so much more meaningful. While they continue expanding their identity they are finding ways to weave together a whole new range of communication, business, training and leadership skills with their new healing art modalities and spiritual approach. This all really does make for a new breed of businesswoman and it’s exciting that many of them are now repackaging their offerings and reversing back into corporate life (sometimes for assignments and projects rather than full-time roles). Business is changing and is crying out for new answers. Perhaps the new version of corporate-woman who is emerging is what is needed.

3 Women’s issues are men’s issues
We all agreed that enhancing the fortunes of women has to involve men. Some women found that it was easier to create change working with younger men. Many of the older guys are less open and flexible with much more fixed views of how women should be. They have difficulty with women being strong. Younger male colleagues are far less resistant than the older male bosses. Will they change or do we just wait for them to retire and die off?

I went to a sell-out 5000 strong women’s event in Silicon Valley where Hillary Clinton was the keynote speaker there. It was incredible! Always researching and asking questions, I decided the most interesting attendees to talk to would be the men and there were just to handful of suits among a sea of femininity. I asked one guy why he was there. He replied “hey, don’t attack us please. You need our help!”  He was right. We have to involve more men in more conversations about our needs. The more we each understand how we use power differently the better for all. Anything that helps us will affect them too.

4 The company of women provides massive support
These female circles and communities are so nourishing. Many of us expressed that were are tired of working alone finding it particularly lonely when we are trying to create change. We can’t always fully see our value and recognise and own our strengths. Working with a supportive group of women enables us to get clarity on our personal gifts and the value in our feminine approach to business.The younger women wanted encouragement and support for developing their leadership but we older ones sometimes need that too.

5 Being different takes courage
When we lead differently, or approach anything in a different way, we have to learn to get over our fear and push ourselves. That’s why circles of support, particularly from women are essential. We are all learning to hold a space for what’s possible.

the next Women’s Gathering in San Francisco will be on Thursday February 23rd 2017. Read more and book here.

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